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Jul. 9th, 2020 09:09 am
RPGs and ADHD
I love D&D and other RPGs, but actually being a player in games can be painful for me, depending on the circumstance, and I haven't yet found a good solution.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with ADHD by a professional, but everything I've read about the way it manifests in adults - especially women - is painfully familiar, and a brief conversation with my last therapist ended with "it sure sounds that way, but an actual test would involve a new insurance preauthorization," because the US health care system is fucked. Naming my problems makes them much easier to deal with, and naming this particular collection of issues ADHD helps me figure out how to deal with them, so we're going with it.
One of the biggest issues that falls under this umbrella is my lack of attention span. You know the typical image most people get when ADD/ADHD is mentioned - the kid in a classroom fidgeting and disrupting everyone because he (almost always a he, which is one of the reasons it took me until 40-ish to start naming my issues) can't sit still? Well, I have enough adult discipline to sit still, but my brain is still that little kid in class unless the stimulus is something particularly strong. So, you may ask, if RPGs are a passion of mine, why isn't that enough stimulus to keep my brain engaged? Honestly, I don't have a good answer. Being the GM of a game is enough stimulus, having to keep track of the story and all the players and drive the narrative forward. But if I'm a player, and someone else is GMing, my brain needs something more. If other people are playing out a scene that doesn't involve me, I can't sit still and focus entirely on that scene. One of the common suggestions for this is to take notes during the scene, but that doesn't work for me - it's like my internal writing editor decides to play too, and keeps having these silent shitty opinions. Why are they talking about this? This doesn't have any relevance to the story. This isn't moving the plot forward. Why is this happening? And as much as I tell that shitty editor to shut the fuck up, that this is a game and everyone is just having fun, they won't leave me alone. So taking notes almost makes it worse for me.
My other methods of dealing with my shiny butterfly brain are considered rude to some - playing a mindless game on my phone while I listen, doodling on paper, otherwise dividing my attention so I don't feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin. This whole post was inspired this morning by a reddit post I saw linked, where folks were talking about how rude it is for people to be on their phones during a game, how it should be basic courtesy to listen to someone's 5-minute description or monologue or negotiation with a shopkeeper over the price of a potion with full and uninterrupted attention. And the fact is, it's literally impossible for me to do that in most cases. Not without wanting to tear my hair out by the end.
But Jaime, you may say - you spend 4 hours a week watching a bunch of people do all that on the internet! Yes, but I am always multitasking. I zone out when they go into random tangents. Chances are good I'm crafting in FFXIV or playing Civ or talking to someone in Discord or any number of other things the entire time I'm watching Critical Role. I couldn't sit down and just watch it from start to finish with no other stimulation.
It's not a commentary on the quality of the game, or the talents of the people I'm playing with. It's not a commentary on how much or how little I'm interested in the game. It's literally how my brain works, or doesn't work, as the case may be. Sometimes it seems like convention games are more my style - games played in very constrained time frames, during which everything has to be streamlined. It's easier to commit my attention then, when I know there's a set end and everyone is working towards it. But that's in direct contrast to a lot of my friends' play styles; they want long story arcs, room for character moments, silly tangents just for fun. And it's not like I'm opposed to those things! But trying to figure out how to play that style of game without my brain sabotaging me in one way or another is really, really hard.
As I said, GMing is different. My brain thrives on paying attention to all the moving parts, figuring out how to adjust things on the fly, thinking those three steps ahead to what the players' current actions will mean next session. That's not something I can do as a player - it would all be academic, supposition, and my brain doesn't work that way. It'd be too tempting to backseat GM and drive the actual GM crazy.
It's gotten to the point where I feel equal parts anticipation and dread when an RPG session is coming up. Anticipation because yes, I really do want to play! I want to have a character and collaborate with my friends on their story, to see how they interact with the other characters and see where it leads us! But also dread, because it's infinitely stressful to worry about whether my coping mechanisms will make other people mad, make it seem like I don't care, and the act of trying to conform to a play style that makes it look like I'm capable of full attention stresses me the fuck out.
I don't know what the solution is. If anyone else out there has similar issues and has come across a solution that works for them, I'd love to hear it! I absolutely love the collaborative storytelling of RPGs. I just need to figure out a way to play them while also being kind to my own brain.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with ADHD by a professional, but everything I've read about the way it manifests in adults - especially women - is painfully familiar, and a brief conversation with my last therapist ended with "it sure sounds that way, but an actual test would involve a new insurance preauthorization," because the US health care system is fucked. Naming my problems makes them much easier to deal with, and naming this particular collection of issues ADHD helps me figure out how to deal with them, so we're going with it.
One of the biggest issues that falls under this umbrella is my lack of attention span. You know the typical image most people get when ADD/ADHD is mentioned - the kid in a classroom fidgeting and disrupting everyone because he (almost always a he, which is one of the reasons it took me until 40-ish to start naming my issues) can't sit still? Well, I have enough adult discipline to sit still, but my brain is still that little kid in class unless the stimulus is something particularly strong. So, you may ask, if RPGs are a passion of mine, why isn't that enough stimulus to keep my brain engaged? Honestly, I don't have a good answer. Being the GM of a game is enough stimulus, having to keep track of the story and all the players and drive the narrative forward. But if I'm a player, and someone else is GMing, my brain needs something more. If other people are playing out a scene that doesn't involve me, I can't sit still and focus entirely on that scene. One of the common suggestions for this is to take notes during the scene, but that doesn't work for me - it's like my internal writing editor decides to play too, and keeps having these silent shitty opinions. Why are they talking about this? This doesn't have any relevance to the story. This isn't moving the plot forward. Why is this happening? And as much as I tell that shitty editor to shut the fuck up, that this is a game and everyone is just having fun, they won't leave me alone. So taking notes almost makes it worse for me.
My other methods of dealing with my shiny butterfly brain are considered rude to some - playing a mindless game on my phone while I listen, doodling on paper, otherwise dividing my attention so I don't feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin. This whole post was inspired this morning by a reddit post I saw linked, where folks were talking about how rude it is for people to be on their phones during a game, how it should be basic courtesy to listen to someone's 5-minute description or monologue or negotiation with a shopkeeper over the price of a potion with full and uninterrupted attention. And the fact is, it's literally impossible for me to do that in most cases. Not without wanting to tear my hair out by the end.
But Jaime, you may say - you spend 4 hours a week watching a bunch of people do all that on the internet! Yes, but I am always multitasking. I zone out when they go into random tangents. Chances are good I'm crafting in FFXIV or playing Civ or talking to someone in Discord or any number of other things the entire time I'm watching Critical Role. I couldn't sit down and just watch it from start to finish with no other stimulation.
It's not a commentary on the quality of the game, or the talents of the people I'm playing with. It's not a commentary on how much or how little I'm interested in the game. It's literally how my brain works, or doesn't work, as the case may be. Sometimes it seems like convention games are more my style - games played in very constrained time frames, during which everything has to be streamlined. It's easier to commit my attention then, when I know there's a set end and everyone is working towards it. But that's in direct contrast to a lot of my friends' play styles; they want long story arcs, room for character moments, silly tangents just for fun. And it's not like I'm opposed to those things! But trying to figure out how to play that style of game without my brain sabotaging me in one way or another is really, really hard.
As I said, GMing is different. My brain thrives on paying attention to all the moving parts, figuring out how to adjust things on the fly, thinking those three steps ahead to what the players' current actions will mean next session. That's not something I can do as a player - it would all be academic, supposition, and my brain doesn't work that way. It'd be too tempting to backseat GM and drive the actual GM crazy.
It's gotten to the point where I feel equal parts anticipation and dread when an RPG session is coming up. Anticipation because yes, I really do want to play! I want to have a character and collaborate with my friends on their story, to see how they interact with the other characters and see where it leads us! But also dread, because it's infinitely stressful to worry about whether my coping mechanisms will make other people mad, make it seem like I don't care, and the act of trying to conform to a play style that makes it look like I'm capable of full attention stresses me the fuck out.
I don't know what the solution is. If anyone else out there has similar issues and has come across a solution that works for them, I'd love to hear it! I absolutely love the collaborative storytelling of RPGs. I just need to figure out a way to play them while also being kind to my own brain.
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