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Jun. 11th, 2020 12:12 pm
it does get better
Just looking at the dates between my first post on this blog and my most recent has me thinking today about how much my life has changed in the past ten years. Maybe it's time for a time-traveling letter.
Dear 2010 Jaime:
I know, it's a weird time for you. You're still figuring out how to live with a relatively new mental health diagnosis. Work sucks, but hey, at least you have your friends, right? But the depression messes with the friends thing. You're between fandoms/interests, you're trying to maintain some optimism and motivation, but it's hard.
Luckily, I'm here to tell you that it'll get better. Not easily, and not immediately, but it will happen. I'm here to give you some tips on how to get through to the other side.
1) Video games. I know, you think you don't have the dexterity for playing video games, but a year from now you'll end up at Gamestop after Alex talks about how she'd like to play this Dragon Age game she's heard so much about, and it will be a whole new beginning for your fannish life. Here in 2020 we're playing a Final Fantasy MMO and Animal Crossing on the new Nintendo console, and it's fantastic.
2) Keep going to therapy and adjusting your medication. It will take a few tries before you get it right. You're never not going to have depression, but you can manage it.
3) Work is going to get worse before it gets better. Sorry about that. But listen to your gut and start applying for new jobs, and when the University rejects your application because you don't have a degree, don't give up. You know people, and you can not only do the job, you'll thrive in it. We've been in the new position for five years this summer, and we've gotten two promotions and are preparing to give a presentation at a national conference. Working for people who actually give a shit about you and your workload makes such a difference, you don't even know. Hold on. It's coming.
4) Embrace the gray hair. Maybe not all the way, that didn't work so well for our ego, but it's kind of awesome to have shaved white sides and dyed hair on top. We're in our 40s now, and it's great not to care so much.
5) You're bisexual. And also a little bit asexual. It's gonna take a while to really settle into your understanding of your own sexuality, but knowing those things will make you feel a lot more comfortable.
6) You have no idea how much Dungeons & Dragons is going to change your life. No, really. I'm not joking.
7) Dad is never going to really get better. I'm sorry. It still sucks. You'll have to learn how to draw appropriate boundaries, and it will never be easy, but it will get easier to not feel so guilty all the time.
8) Forgive yourself. You're not going to magically turn into the person you want to be. We're still doing a lot of the same stupid shit we've always done, even though we know it's not the best for us. Change takes time, and beating yourself up over it does no one any good. I still haven't quite learned that lesson all the way, but let's both try a little harder, okay?
Listen, 2020 is a fucked up year. There's a pandemic and protests and let's not even talk about the current president. (Enjoy your current one. You have six more years of relative sanity before everything goes to shit.) The world is on fire right now, and it's terrifying. But on a strictly personal level, things are pretty good for me. And it's a relief to have that baseline sense of okay-ness while dealing with everything else that's going on. You'll get there. There will be some seriously low moments, but you'll get there. You're doing better than you think right now. I can see that from this angle. Be kind to yourself, and to everyone else, and everything else will sort itself out.
Love,
2020 Jaime.
Dear 2010 Jaime:
I know, it's a weird time for you. You're still figuring out how to live with a relatively new mental health diagnosis. Work sucks, but hey, at least you have your friends, right? But the depression messes with the friends thing. You're between fandoms/interests, you're trying to maintain some optimism and motivation, but it's hard.
Luckily, I'm here to tell you that it'll get better. Not easily, and not immediately, but it will happen. I'm here to give you some tips on how to get through to the other side.
1) Video games. I know, you think you don't have the dexterity for playing video games, but a year from now you'll end up at Gamestop after Alex talks about how she'd like to play this Dragon Age game she's heard so much about, and it will be a whole new beginning for your fannish life. Here in 2020 we're playing a Final Fantasy MMO and Animal Crossing on the new Nintendo console, and it's fantastic.
2) Keep going to therapy and adjusting your medication. It will take a few tries before you get it right. You're never not going to have depression, but you can manage it.
3) Work is going to get worse before it gets better. Sorry about that. But listen to your gut and start applying for new jobs, and when the University rejects your application because you don't have a degree, don't give up. You know people, and you can not only do the job, you'll thrive in it. We've been in the new position for five years this summer, and we've gotten two promotions and are preparing to give a presentation at a national conference. Working for people who actually give a shit about you and your workload makes such a difference, you don't even know. Hold on. It's coming.
4) Embrace the gray hair. Maybe not all the way, that didn't work so well for our ego, but it's kind of awesome to have shaved white sides and dyed hair on top. We're in our 40s now, and it's great not to care so much.
5) You're bisexual. And also a little bit asexual. It's gonna take a while to really settle into your understanding of your own sexuality, but knowing those things will make you feel a lot more comfortable.
6) You have no idea how much Dungeons & Dragons is going to change your life. No, really. I'm not joking.
7) Dad is never going to really get better. I'm sorry. It still sucks. You'll have to learn how to draw appropriate boundaries, and it will never be easy, but it will get easier to not feel so guilty all the time.
8) Forgive yourself. You're not going to magically turn into the person you want to be. We're still doing a lot of the same stupid shit we've always done, even though we know it's not the best for us. Change takes time, and beating yourself up over it does no one any good. I still haven't quite learned that lesson all the way, but let's both try a little harder, okay?
Listen, 2020 is a fucked up year. There's a pandemic and protests and let's not even talk about the current president. (Enjoy your current one. You have six more years of relative sanity before everything goes to shit.) The world is on fire right now, and it's terrifying. But on a strictly personal level, things are pretty good for me. And it's a relief to have that baseline sense of okay-ness while dealing with everything else that's going on. You'll get there. There will be some seriously low moments, but you'll get there. You're doing better than you think right now. I can see that from this angle. Be kind to yourself, and to everyone else, and everything else will sort itself out.
Love,
2020 Jaime.
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