Recent Entries

Entry tags:

book review

books: Chaos Reigning by Jessie Mihalik

Jessie Mihalik's Consortium Rebellion trilogy is pretty much entirely made of Jaime catnip. Space opera romance packed with action! Heroines who refuse to sit on the sidelines! Heroes who have all the heart-eyes for them! Crunchy worldbuilding and great side characters! It's a trilogy for everyone who knows the original Star Wars trilogy is actually the Adventures of Princess Leia and wanted even more.

Chaos Reigning is the third and final book in the trilogy, though I won't be surprised if we see more stories in this universe down the line. The heroines of the trilogy have all been sisters who belong to a very powerful political family. This book belongs to Catarina, the youngest sister, the one who plays the socialite while hiding her strange physical powers. I loved Catarina, and how she grew up in a believable way over the course of the story without the narrative ever making her (or me) feel like she wasn't capable from the start. And Alex, the hero, is totally my catnip too - stoic and protective, filled with love and amazement over this woman who somehow goes from attending a frivolous house party to leading a party to take back Earth from usurpers without much of a hitch at all. The action never stopped, but yet I didn't get the feeling like I wanted the characters to slow down and have a moment. Mihalik does a great job of keeping the emotional arc going at the same time as the action.

If I have any minor complaint about this book, it's that I felt like Bianca - the heroine of the second book - was done a disservice in her appearance. After having an entire book dedicated to her struggle to be taken seriously and gain her own agency, the fact that she didn't make more of an effort to give her sister that same agency bothered me a bit. I feel like the plot would have been just as well served if Bianca had explained most of her reasoning to Catarina in advance, instead of how it actually played out.

But overall, two very enthusiastic thumbs up to this whole series. It's so, so nice to have more of the kind of romantic space opera stories my heart desperately wants. This is a series I'll reread when I need to escape into a good adventure.

Current Mood: curious

Entry tags:

rpgs

RPGs and ADHD

I love D&D and other RPGs, but actually being a player in games can be painful for me, depending on the circumstance, and I haven't yet found a good solution.

I haven't been formally diagnosed with ADHD by a professional, but everything I've read about the way it manifests in adults - especially women - is painfully familiar, and a brief conversation with my last therapist ended with "it sure sounds that way, but an actual test would involve a new insurance preauthorization," because the US health care system is fucked. Naming my problems makes them much easier to deal with, and naming this particular collection of issues ADHD helps me figure out how to deal with them, so we're going with it.

One of the biggest issues that falls under this umbrella is my lack of attention span. You know the typical image most people get when ADD/ADHD is mentioned - the kid in a classroom fidgeting and disrupting everyone because he (almost always a he, which is one of the reasons it took me until 40-ish to start naming my issues) can't sit still? Well, I have enough adult discipline to sit still, but my brain is still that little kid in class unless the stimulus is something particularly strong. So, you may ask, if RPGs are a passion of mine, why isn't that enough stimulus to keep my brain engaged? Honestly, I don't have a good answer. Being the GM of a game is enough stimulus, having to keep track of the story and all the players and drive the narrative forward. But if I'm a player, and someone else is GMing, my brain needs something more. If other people are playing out a scene that doesn't involve me, I can't sit still and focus entirely on that scene. One of the common suggestions for this is to take notes during the scene, but that doesn't work for me - it's like my internal writing editor decides to play too, and keeps having these silent shitty opinions. Why are they talking about this? This doesn't have any relevance to the story. This isn't moving the plot forward. Why is this happening? And as much as I tell that shitty editor to shut the fuck up, that this is a game and everyone is just having fun, they won't leave me alone. So taking notes almost makes it worse for me.

My other methods of dealing with my shiny butterfly brain are considered rude to some - playing a mindless game on my phone while I listen, doodling on paper, otherwise dividing my attention so I don't feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin. This whole post was inspired this morning by a reddit post I saw linked, where folks were talking about how rude it is for people to be on their phones during a game, how it should be basic courtesy to listen to someone's 5-minute description or monologue or negotiation with a shopkeeper over the price of a potion with full and uninterrupted attention. And the fact is, it's literally impossible for me to do that in most cases. Not without wanting to tear my hair out by the end.

But Jaime, you may say - you spend 4 hours a week watching a bunch of people do all that on the internet! Yes, but I am always multitasking. I zone out when they go into random tangents. Chances are good I'm crafting in FFXIV or playing Civ or talking to someone in Discord or any number of other things the entire time I'm watching Critical Role. I couldn't sit down and just watch it from start to finish with no other stimulation.

It's not a commentary on the quality of the game, or the talents of the people I'm playing with. It's not a commentary on how much or how little I'm interested in the game. It's literally how my brain works, or doesn't work, as the case may be. Sometimes it seems like convention games are more my style - games played in very constrained time frames, during which everything has to be streamlined. It's easier to commit my attention then, when I know there's a set end and everyone is working towards it. But that's in direct contrast to a lot of my friends' play styles; they want long story arcs, room for character moments, silly tangents just for fun. And it's not like I'm opposed to those things! But trying to figure out how to play that style of game without my brain sabotaging me in one way or another is really, really hard.

As I said, GMing is different. My brain thrives on paying attention to all the moving parts, figuring out how to adjust things on the fly, thinking those three steps ahead to what the players' current actions will mean next session. That's not something I can do as a player - it would all be academic, supposition, and my brain doesn't work that way. It'd be too tempting to backseat GM and drive the actual GM crazy.

It's gotten to the point where I feel equal parts anticipation and dread when an RPG session is coming up. Anticipation because yes, I really do want to play! I want to have a character and collaborate with my friends on their story, to see how they interact with the other characters and see where it leads us! But also dread, because it's infinitely stressful to worry about whether my coping mechanisms will make other people mad, make it seem like I don't care, and the act of trying to conform to a play style that makes it look like I'm capable of full attention stresses me the fuck out.

I don't know what the solution is. If anyone else out there has similar issues and has come across a solution that works for them, I'd love to hear it! I absolutely love the collaborative storytelling of RPGs. I just need to figure out a way to play them while also being kind to my own brain.

Current Mood: thoughtful

safety is an illusion

There's been a lot of chaos in the SFF literary crowd this week - in a lot of geek-adjacent spaces, quite frankly, but the SFF circle is the one that's closest to me. Sexual harassment, men being creeps, none of it is very new, but the most recent situation has bothered me personally in ways I've been struggling to put into words.

The thing is, when I'm in convention space, I worry constantly about being seen as weird, as creepy, as someone who doesn't belong. All the talk of Barcon and networking and all that makes me freeze. If I approach an author or agent or other professional whose work I enjoy, will they be annoyed? What do I have to say that's worth their time? Will I come off as too eager, too loud, too rambly, too something to be taken seriously? Will my anxiety get the better of me? Will my ADHD make me look like a flake? Will my brain freeze and make me forget anything remotely intelligent I might have to say?

The advice I get, over and over again, is just to give it a shot, to have confidence - that we're all anxious, we're all nerdy, we're all afraid we're doing something wrong. That nobody is judging the way I'm afraid they are; that if they are judging, they're not worth my time anyway. I'm not unique - a lot of people struggle as I do. Ultimately, I usually chicken out; it's easier for me to go to panels and listen to what people have to say there, and to keep to myself otherwise. But if I do ever get my writing to a place where professional networking is a good idea, I worry about my ability to do so without giving myself an anxiety attack.

I watched on Twitter this week as, up until Friday, the SFF pros I follow decried a group of men who used their positions as published authors to make people feel unsafe, to talk about how power dynamics work, how people - often men - can use their position in the industry, and/or their relationships with other pros to get away with things they shouldn't, how everyone should be made to feel safe enough to interact in these networking spaces. And then, I watched as a situation unfolded that was obviously messier than the last ones, but ultimately involved the same pros who had talked about safety and inclusivity up until now circle the wagons around friends, turn the whole thing into something that felt to me, as an outsider, like a slightly misogynistic, sometimes ableist attack on someone who threatened one of their own. "Believe accusers" was appended with "... unless that accuser is someone we think is creepy." Suddenly power dynamics didn't matter, all because ... they like the dude in question? To someone like me, looking in, it looks like we've found the line at which "believe accusers" and "respect power dynamics" cease to matter, and it's disturbing.

I don't know the actual details of the situation, and quite frankly, they don't ultimately matter. This is not about someone's messy relationship, it's about how it looks for this group of industry professionals immediately circling the wagons and deciding that this person who very clearly has far less power than they do is "creepy" or "mentally ill" or "power hungry" or whatever else without even considering whether their friends might have also been in the wrong. What it tells me, here on the fringes, is that this community is not safe for me, even those who have said all the right things up until now. It says the benefit of the doubt only extends as far as your friend circle begins.

This is not about the specifics of this situation, which side is right or wrong. It's about the way the reaction played out on social media, the way it looks to those who haven't been directly involved. It's about a powerful, respected author gathering testimonials to rip the accuser to shreds within hours of the accusation being made public, and possibly before it was even posted. It's about a community that spent a day making the bulk of the question about the conflict between two AFAB individuals while letting the man in question just ... disappear from the conversation. It's about a community that just reacted, that didn't think before they spoke, who could not bring themselves to sit and think about their own biases and how their platforms would boost a narrative that may not look to outsiders like the righteous justice they think it is.

"Believe accusers, or at least give them the benefit of the doubt ... unless we already don't like that person." Duly noted, SFF folks. You've carried a message that more than a few people who aren't already part of your insular community will take with them.

(Note: edited later to reflect the fact that the accuser in question is NB, sorry for not realizing that sooner!)

Entry tags:

book review,
books

books: Dawn Caravan by Elizabeth Hunter

Because I'm super good at reviews, I'm going to start this by talking about a completely different book.

I'm not going to name the book, because I'm not really into being negative about something that could mostly just be my particular reading of it. But it was super popular among fantasy/paranormal romancelandia, and a bunch of people whose opinions I trust really loved it. And it was incredibly well written - the author obviously has a knack for plot and for some serious worldbuilding, and there was like 75% of it I could have really adored. But that other 25% ... to sum up, the hero kidnapped the heroine and brought her into a world she explicitly didn't want to join. He had noble reasons, saving the world type reasons, but the heroine was the POV character, and the author dug super deep into her misery and conflict for a lot of the book. But they also spent a lot of time and words having everyone the heroine came into contact with tell her that she was being selfish, that she should be grateful the hero kidnapped her, he was treating her so nicely, why couldn't she appreciate that? And while I could appreciate the heroine's eventual decision to help save the world, I could never forgive either the hero or his friends/family/people for gaslighting her so awfully. I wasn't looking for a full grovel, though that would have been nice. I was more looking for some moment when it felt like the heroine's pain and trauma would be acknowledged properly, when at the very least the hero would have a proper moment of "this sucks, and I'm really sorry, but the world's at stake." He didn't, not to my liking, and the icky feeling stayed with me enough that I couldn't give the second book in the series a shot.

All of this is relevant because ... well, in Dawn Caravan, main character Ben Vecchio gets the time to deal with the complex emotions of "it sucks that your choice was taken away" that I'd been so hoping to get in that other book, that I'd been hoping he'd get since I read Night's Reckoning.

Let me circle back. Dawn Caravan is the fourth novel in Elizabeth Hunter's Elemental Legacy series, but it's also the culmination of more than a dozen books in the interconnected Elemental paranormal romance series. I stumbled into them last year, and ended up binging the entire series in a very short amount of time, which is pretty common when I find something I like. I'll admit that the first five books - which are about Ben's adoptive parents, Giovanni and Beatrice - were a little shaky for me, because Giovanni hits some of the romance hero beats that drive me up a wall. But I'm glad I stuck with it, because the vampire world Hunter has created here is rich and satisfying, if you're the type that likes international espionage and intrigue in your romance. There are a handful of standalone novels/novellas about other characters in the Vecchio orbit after that series, but the most recent books have been about Ben, a human adoptive son of two vampires, and Tenzin, the five thousand-year-old vampire who is both his partner and very complicated love.

Ben and Tenzin's relationship might set off some triggers, depending on the reading, given that she meets him in the first series when he's a young teenager, and she's ... well, five thousand years old. But they're clearly only friends while he's a teenager - it's only once he's grown and the Elemental Legacy series rolls around that their relationship has gotten more complex. And their relationship is super complicated, for many reasons that tie into their relative power dynamic. But one of the big through-lines is the idea that Ben, while he loves the vampires in his life, doesn't have any desire in his late 20s to become one himself. And at the end of Night's Reckoning, he's dealt a fatal wound in the course of their job as paranormal treasure hunters. Despite the fact that Ben has been explicit in his desire not to be turned, Tenzin takes him to her sire and has him turned rather than watch him die.

(This is a spoiler, but not really, because I can't imagine anyone reading this series would honestly believe that Ben wouldn't end up as a vampire at some point before it was done.)

That book ended with new vampire Ben feeling betrayed and angry, for understandable reasons, and if I hoped for anything from this next book, it was for Ben to have the time and space to work through that anger and betrayal without everyone telling him "you're alive, suck it up" constantly. And to her credit, Hunter gives him the room I wanted him to have. His friends and family have understandably complex reactions to his anger, and are honest with him about it. And the text acknowledges that he gets to be angry, even after he starts to come to terms with the fact that Tenzin changed him because she loves him and couldn't watch him die. This book feels like a fairly nuanced look at trauma recovery, even amongst the international art heist storyline, and I loved that Ben and Tenzin could come back together while still acknowledging that Ben would still have emotions and anger to work out as time goes on.

(Tenzin herself is a very interesting, flawed and complex character, who I absolutely adore - because there's no other character in romance quite like her, not that I've read - even while wanting to wring her neck multiple times per book.)

On a different topic, though, I'll point out that the main adventure plot of this book involves the Romani, and while it felt respectful to me, I'm a white woman who knows next to nothing about the culture, so my impression should be taken for exactly what it's worth.

This book was an emotional catharsis I needed right now, and I'm glad I read it as soon as it appeared on my Kindle. And if you're looking for some good vampire romance worldbuilding and have the patience to outlast Giovanni being a dick through large swathes of the first series, I highly recommend the full Elemental series.

Entry tags:

friday five

friday five: june 12th, 2020

Time to start a new tradition here - five random recs for your Friday, things I've been enjoying lately.

1) The East Pointers - Wintergreen. Do you need good Celtic-flavored pop from dudes from Atlantic Canada? Here you go. This is such a fun, happy song, and the video is particularly fun for being performed in sign language (by a woman who is apparently one of the Wiggles?).

2) I've been watching a lot of YouTube lately, and one of the channels that's entertained me most is FilmJoy. Particularly their Deep Dive series, in which four of them watch genre movies generally considered to be terrible and find the things to love about them. Because this movie was being discussed on Twitter today, I'll recommend the episode on the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons movie, which I had no idea existed until I watched this video.

3) If you're missing Dragon Age like me, the Tevinter Nights anthology is highly entertaining and full of tidbits of lore for places that aren't Ferelden or Orlais. It'll stoke the "BUT DA4 WHEN" fires burning inside you for sure.

4) Alex introduced me to The Hu recently, and they're delightful. Who knew I needed Mongolian folk metal in my life? Most of their music is in their native language, and it's all fantastic, but a good starting point for English speakers is their recent release - Song of Women, featuring Lzzy Hale of Halestorm.

5) Triple Click is a great podcast for video game fans. I tend to shy away from video game commentary because ... well, video game fans are who they are, and many of them are very much Not Me. But the trio of games journalists who do this podcast are very good and their take on topics is entertaining even when I don't agree with them.

So there. Some media to consume this weekend. If you have any recs you want to share, come on over!

Entry tags:

it does get better

Just looking at the dates between my first post on this blog and my most recent has me thinking today about how much my life has changed in the past ten years. Maybe it's time for a time-traveling letter.

Dear 2010 Jaime:

I know, it's a weird time for you. You're still figuring out how to live with a relatively new mental health diagnosis. Work sucks, but hey, at least you have your friends, right? But the depression messes with the friends thing. You're between fandoms/interests, you're trying to maintain some optimism and motivation, but it's hard.

Luckily, I'm here to tell you that it'll get better. Not easily, and not immediately, but it will happen. I'm here to give you some tips on how to get through to the other side.

1) Video games. I know, you think you don't have the dexterity for playing video games, but a year from now you'll end up at Gamestop after Alex talks about how she'd like to play this Dragon Age game she's heard so much about, and it will be a whole new beginning for your fannish life. Here in 2020 we're playing a Final Fantasy MMO and Animal Crossing on the new Nintendo console, and it's fantastic.

2) Keep going to therapy and adjusting your medication. It will take a few tries before you get it right. You're never not going to have depression, but you can manage it.

3) Work is going to get worse before it gets better. Sorry about that. But listen to your gut and start applying for new jobs, and when the University rejects your application because you don't have a degree, don't give up. You know people, and you can not only do the job, you'll thrive in it. We've been in the new position for five years this summer, and we've gotten two promotions and are preparing to give a presentation at a national conference. Working for people who actually give a shit about you and your workload makes such a difference, you don't even know. Hold on. It's coming.

4) Embrace the gray hair. Maybe not all the way, that didn't work so well for our ego, but it's kind of awesome to have shaved white sides and dyed hair on top. We're in our 40s now, and it's great not to care so much.

5) You're bisexual. And also a little bit asexual. It's gonna take a while to really settle into your understanding of your own sexuality, but knowing those things will make you feel a lot more comfortable.

6) You have no idea how much Dungeons & Dragons is going to change your life. No, really. I'm not joking.

7) Dad is never going to really get better. I'm sorry. It still sucks. You'll have to learn how to draw appropriate boundaries, and it will never be easy, but it will get easier to not feel so guilty all the time.

8) Forgive yourself. You're not going to magically turn into the person you want to be. We're still doing a lot of the same stupid shit we've always done, even though we know it's not the best for us. Change takes time, and beating yourself up over it does no one any good. I still haven't quite learned that lesson all the way, but let's both try a little harder, okay?

Listen, 2020 is a fucked up year. There's a pandemic and protests and let's not even talk about the current president. (Enjoy your current one. You have six more years of relative sanity before everything goes to shit.) The world is on fire right now, and it's terrifying. But on a strictly personal level, things are pretty good for me. And it's a relief to have that baseline sense of okay-ness while dealing with everything else that's going on. You'll get there. There will be some seriously low moments, but you'll get there. You're doing better than you think right now. I can see that from this angle. Be kind to yourself, and to everyone else, and everything else will sort itself out.

Love,
2020 Jaime.

Entry tags:

books: Alpha Night by Nalini Singh

It took me a while to get into the Psy-Changeling series, despite practically everyone in Romancelandia recommending them to me. Trish (blackglass) gets the credit for finally making me stick long enough to fall in love. I eventually mainlined most of the 18+ books in the series in a matter of 2 months in 2019, and have been waiting patiently for Alpha Night to release this week. Spoiler alert: I was not disappointed in the least.

Briefly, for those who haven't read or heard of them: Nalini Singh's Psy-Changeling series is an ongoing paranormal romance series, set in an alternate near future in which psychics and animal shifters have existed and been part of world society for centuries. The world-building in this series is top notch, and Singh is a master at weaving complex politics with deeply personal romance. I recommend them to anyone who likes paranormal romance, with one small warning: the first 3-4 books are very heavy on the traditional alpha male tropes. If those are your thing, great, dive in! If you're like me and prefer your heroes a bit more on the reasonable sentient being side, I'll say that it's worth gritting your teeth and concentrating on the heroines and the worldbuilding in those first few book, to get to the truly excellent stuff later. But still, I confess I did actually hiss quietly when Clay, the hero of book 4, had a minor cameo in this latest book because I still hate his stupid slut-shaming face, okay?

(... I am a totally reasonable reader. I promise.)

But anyway. Alpha Night - book 19 in the whole series, book 4 in the Trinity arc - may vie for my number one book in the series. It features my number one favorite romantic trope in the world: the tough dominant heroine and the quiet but deadly hero with hearts in his eyes who will do anything for her. Selenka is, I believe, the first female shifter pack alpha we've seen in the series, which is a big plus. I, like Ethan, would happily kill for her.

This book has also got me thinking about the kind of romantic story arcs I like best, and how an effective and affecting romance doesn't have to hinge on uncertainty or miscommunication between the couple. In this book, Ethan and Selenka know they're mates right off the bat, and have no doubts about wanting to commit to each other. The issues that stand in their way are both internal and external, and very valid, but I was ridiculously comforted by the knowledge that these two characters were committed to telling each other the truth and sticking by each other from the start. Even though they meet for the first time at the beginning of the book, the story had more of a feel of a newly established couple feeling their way through their relationship. I enjoy that. It's a good example of how the "fated mates" trope doesn't have to be a shortcut, but can be used to set up a different sort of romance arc.

I would definitely not recommend picking up Alpha Night immediately if you're new to the series - you'd be hopelessly lost. But if you're looking to dive into a series that gives you both interesting science fiction action adventure and really hot, satisfying romances, I highly recommend giving this one a chance. The farther Singh gets into the series, the better it gets, and she shows no signs of slowing down.

Current Mood: okay

and ten years later ...

I'm giving this journal another try. Watch this space.

Entry tags:

fun with the hero's journey

I made a resolution to post over here on a regular basis, with the purpose I initially intended it for - a writing and reading and general public life blog. But mostly writing and reading. I have another resolution to finish the first draft of my novel by the 4th of July (okay, by CONvergence, but same difference), so I'm also going to use this journal to keep myself accountable. So, expect weekly word count updates once I return from vacation in a couple of weeks!

Tonight, though, I'm going to have a little fun. I just finished re-reading my copy of Christopher Vogler's The Writer's Journey, and I find myself in the mood to analyze one of my recent TV obsessions in the same way he's used the Hero's Journey to break down successful Hollywood films. Why? As an exercise to see how well I recognize the various points of a story, and just because I love the Hero's Journey a whole lot. I love the way it maps onto nearly every story, even ones you wouldn't expect. My favorite stories are ones that take these mythic archetypes and twist them to fit modern sensibilities, putting characters you wouldn't expect into roles they don't seem to fit on the surface, creating plot twists that seem random on first reading/viewing, but are perfectly logical in the context of the journey when you look at the story as a whole.

Anyway. I recently watched and loved SyFy's miniseries Alice, a modern take on Alice in Wonderland. (If you haven't seen it, get the DVD when it comes out in March! It was silly fun, with a whole cast full of character actors having the times of their lives.) And since Alice's journey to Wonderland makes an easy parallel to the Hero's Journey, it's a pretty easy story to map. ( ... and through the looking glass we go )

Like I said, I'm fascinated by the archetypes in the Hero's Journey. Analyzing someone else's story gives me a better idea of how to apply some of those archetypes in my own work. Which I should probably get back to, eh? July 4th isn't that far off, in the grand scheme of things!